Seeing Jack again and that :\

Forward

Have you ever had that feeling when something happens, of which could be anything, that makes you suddenly realise completely everything you have lost, and aughtomatically you compared the way you felt when you had it to the way you feel now it is gone. The loss creates a creater within you that takes out most of all you are, and it is when you physically feel that it is gone that you know instantly you will always need and be in search of regainment of what you have lost, no matter what happens or how long it takes.
This is a distilled reality of how i live, and is every so often brought more clearly and brutally to my awareness whenever i catch sight of him or hear his name mentioned, see his name come up on messenger or see someone who slightly reassembles him. It tears me apart, but it is beautiful because of it. Without that emptiness and pain i wouldn't have any meaning as a whole. Despite the pain of the loss, it has taught me more than i could ever know about people, love, reality, and what it is in comparison to how people want to think and try to believe. It's true what they say when they say that you have no idea untill you yourself have had the experience. Untill you, and you alone, have lived, breathed, and felt the reality of it embrace throughout you. Those words are entirely true, in all their entity.





Rainy Night In Soho The Second (? :)

I remember the time that i was all prepared to meet with him again for the first time in a while. How let down i was when the bus failed to arrive and how the feeling of being utterly crushed had gradually come upon me, as well as the horrific realization of it. Many could have said it was a mere over reaction. I may have been easily seen through the eyes and there for judgement of another. But to any other it could never have meant so much to be there, to be with him again, to feel him, see him, witness him with my very eyes in all his existance. Just to hear him talk, smell his scent, however odorous. It was all familiar to my memory, and to know it was not enough. It was torture, infact, to know the thing's of which took position of sustainment of your spirit, and not be physically immensed in it every so often, for real, and apart from memory. Memories are not enough, even if they were glorious in their fulfillment, and beautiful in their sorrow of ending and exposure. I just remember that i often find myself alone. Smothered in welcomed darkness. Saying, softly, that all i want, is just to know you. And what a pitiful truth it has turned out to be, for i don't know you. Not in the flesh, openinly. Our approaches and bodily communication with each other has all been based on what we prosume one another is thinking. We knly seem to know each other when we both know the definite of what one another wants. We are both sure that the other wants to walk one way when the turning comes, we are both sure that both of us wants to watch the television, sleep or go home. We both know when we both want to fuck each other. A shared distinction, recognised within reflection of one to the other, twin knowledge, a natural occurance. That is the familiarisation we share with each other outwardly, but beneath the exteriors, we are hiding the truth we restrain from each other from communicating with. We fear of baring ourselfs, because a barrier has been left unbroken, for some reason. But these truths can see each other immensely, they long to touch, and bond and develop the eternal binding that will secure our knowing of each other completely. Just to express our innerly recognition, suspicians, of each other. Just to know, each other, on the exterior, as we do, beneath our witheld shelters.
I am seeeing him today. Last time something held me back, restrained me from rejoining with the former assosiate of which he is, free to the possibility of reconciliation. It won't have turned out how it did when i went to see him at the library. I wouldn't have gone otherwise, i couldn't have dealt with that kind of regection again, but now, i'll see him in the body. I'll hear the clear sound of his voice, feel his warm breath, and experience the vision of his braod familiar body, his face, all of which feautures i fell deeply in love with in that typical yet distrought way. That of which has suffered me mercilessly amongst the many days afterwards of which have commenced since. I dread the further ones to come, but i know it is beautiful, and will be all the more immaculate in all it's saddening existance by the arrival of which will climax it all.
The bus came this time. I had my doubts that it would show, and yet on the journey i sat at the end, my hood up, head against the window gaping out into an aimless black surrounding of passage, accompanied by the familiar reflection i bestowed, with all my make up and accesories to ignite my self esteem and popularity concerning those i may approach.
I knew he'd be alone. I sensed it outrightly from the moment i stepped into the dark, bleak town that was drenched in the scattering rain that refused to subtle itself since the early morning.
It could easily have been that very last night we spent in each others ownage of one another. The last night we had experienced each other bodily and emotionally. The boundries had weakened that night, heavy with the weight of my persistance of honesty, and the recent history we had equally shared of each other.
I rang him, and there was his voice again. Sevvered and distrought, although i knew it was the flickery reception and my altered hearing sense, disfigured slightly by the alcohol consumed. I never dared have told him of what i'd done. Not that i'd consider it that dreadful, considering how excruciatingly difficult it was for me to be around him. Yet, i was still unsure of weather he had any awarenes of this, even now, after all this time.
It was a relief, however, to find myself able to speak to him in what i considered a 'normal' way, of which was impossible in a casual sober state of mind.
We met up ten minutes later, beyond the streets and at the other end of town. I stood against The Archers side wall with the calming fag bared never far from my lips, not long to witness the approach of him on his discreet journey across the road after waiting for the traffic to form a gap. It was in the road that i noticed him, and i watched him closely all th while recognising his facial structure, his length and his height, his hair. Everything of him, once again i could bare unfleeted eyes upon, witness his beauty identified only by me. All of him as a whole, here, with me. Coming to see me. The only thing that would make me happy.
Aswell as this, my mind was intensely aware of the level of darkness and strength of the bleak weather surrounded, of which tinted most of my attention from focusing on him completely in all awareness.
He stood over by me, and i monoovered from my settled position against the wall, prepared and ready to open my mouth and begin walking.
''Do you know where we're going?'' He spoke from the bent head beneath his hood.
It seemed my eager smile was stimulating his positive expression, of which i noticed on him beside me as we walked down the high street, and was releived.
''Really, i have no idea'' I replied, although i did have the general idea that we were headed to some sort of shelter adopted or borrowed by him.
''Sasha's flat''
I glanced at him and blinked for a moment, yet walked on despite the suprise of it.
''I thought you'd be with someone, i'm glad your not''
''Get me all to yourself'' He suggested, leaving me unaware of weather he said it in hope or in arrogance.
''No'' I replied quickly, frightened he had assumed i was attempting to suggest something. Although the alcohol had adjustered the paronoia, every detailed aspect mattered, as it atlerated the atmosphere, and that alterated us. I couldn't bear the thought of convincing him i had the expectations of last time. ''No it's just you seem to be going around with Steph and her sister a lot lately. Like, whenever i see you''
''Like fuck i am. Can't stand the stupid cow, never could. Can't believe you put up with her for so long, she's a nut''
''So you never tried to sleep with her''
He narrowed his eyebrows and twisted his lip, embracing me with a quick glance of exxagerated revolt.
''I'd rather sip on goats puss''
I nodded, agreeably, though not in the disfavour of my friend. I knew he was putting it on for me. I flicked the hair stands caught in my lashes, sighing a little. He looked enquiringly down at my cigarette, and asked if he could spare one. It's funnyy how this is such a common communication line amongst youths. The shamelessness of questioning weather a cigarette may b offerable from me to you. I doubt we know how popular this has become.
''Did she mention, about how long we'd known each other?''
He pressed his eyes on me withdrawably for a second, displaying a side grin, a much missed familiarity of which he often produced in the early day's of our dateship.
''No'' He answered ''you did ya' daft cunt''
My mouth persed itself together, having remembering former conversations.
''Okay, yeah, i remember i did now''
A comfortable break mid conversation then immensed as we came closer to the bridge, me detecting his concentration of direction whilst also sensing, with much gratiance, his will to speak to me, also.
''So who you going about with nowadays then?''
I thought through all the times we had become aware of each other in the street. I was on the rebound, he was attempting his streetly act with his crew, thinking people would find him to be the business. I remember us catching each others eye, and him baring that resentment in his, simply to accompany the intensity of mine. Perhaps there had been resentment between us there, but it had been since lost to now throughout the healing passage and of time, it would appear. How incredibly sexual it had been, to know that the two of us having been so enticingly close to one another, gaining that much pleasure from one anothers physical form and mindly empowerment, had suddenly resorted to a shared hatred of one another, in some form.
''Well don't you see who i'm with when i'm in town?''
''No. I never see you, aint' seen you in ages''
I side grinned the way he had, making sure he wasn't witnessing it although it was likely easily sensed.
''Miss me much then?'' I asked a little humorously.
He paused for a moment, bowing his head a slight and blinking with lack of focus.
''Wouldn't wanna' say. Honesty doesn't match my hoody''
I smiled, knowing he hadn't meant that to be any sort of official remark. His way of coping with an uncertain question, no matter how casually put, was dignifying it with the art of his own humor.
I looked about, feeling the sharpness of the rain peircing the back of my coat.
''Pissing weather, innit''
It had been something i had pathetically been planning on remarking on, but it was uneasing, despite not feeling the cold to obviously at this point. I assumed it was due to the activation of hormones or concentration or somewhat.
''Yep.'' He smiled, mildly embracing within a silenced walk ''You look nice''
I knew from his tone of voice that it was simply another one of his conversational points he foreplaced oftenly, but i hoped that it had been specific all the same. Even i wasn't blind enough to know instantly this was close to all i needed to hear.
''Thank you'' I spoke defiantly in response.
He glanced down at me, lightly laughing under under his breath.
''You've changed''
''You always think that. But i'v never changed once''
He raised his eyebrows and continues to walk on broadly, his vision set directly ahead.
''Probably just your attitude then. Alterates your appearance.''
We approached, what i sensed, was Sasha's dads flat, or something of the sort. It was definitely somehwere i recognised, and i was sure i'd been here before, or a flat like it. It may have been one of the others which were identical to it, to see someone els who lived on this estate.
He unlocked the ground door and flew up a flight of stairs untill i pondered discreetly behind a foot or two, reluctant to bolt for it the way he had.
''Fine, walk then'' He commented, sarcastically. I tutted, muttering something about how i would 'happily' do just that.
''Through here'' He told me at the door to the flat, standing at the side to clear a space of which i would enter into. What a gent he had always been. As i passed him i inhaled his scent unintentionally. I recognised it instantly as it came and felt my innerly passage weaken. A memory temporarily flourished to my observance. An inner smile, discreet despite unseen, was produced. Hidden from his attention, as he would not understand why.
I admired the dew containings of this bare flat as i walked gradually in. Jack closed the door and locked it, hurriedly continuing past me and into the sitting room. It was very basic, with a dirty odour of cigarette butts and burnt toast, possibly drain leakage. There were only four rooms, the sitting room, kitchen, toilet and bedroom. Jack sat down on the couch and switched on the tv. I walked on through into this mildly lit room, sitting myself contently down beside him. It was a releif to not feel awkward or uneasy at all, or have the discomfort of having to deal with how he would act towards me had his friends been present. It was us alone, and this time there was no awkward tension of either of us wanting to express our thought's to the other but unable to do so.
Now as we sat side by side of one another, once again, i felt nothing but glad. A satisfaction of which i knew extended no further was complete at a time when i could sit with him at ease without responsibility of disturbances such as friends or parents complicating our connection. Now i remembered how intense it was to merely be in the prescence of him, and i was assured all the more to complete certainty that nothing and no one was able to compete with him. He was all, the all i needed.
I tried hard to concentrate on the programme we were watching, some american comedy drama i'd seen occasionally on at the early hour i was used to arising at for the start of college. Occasionally we glanced at eac other, made various facial and bodily gestures that indicated our comfort to one another and the enjoyment experienced in each others prescence sitting there and watching the programme. All the time our body language progressed, occasionally commenting humorously on the programme and every now and then on how we were both coping in our personal lifes of late and what we were up to.
At one point towards the end of the show he questined me to weather i was 'seeing' anyone at the moment, like he had done last time. I knew not to expect anything from him asking this, as it could have meant anything knowing him, and merely replied an answer leaving him assured to the possibility that i had been occupied reasonably since our split. He answered to a similar notion when i asked the same, although admitted, when i'd exeeded the question a little, that he had exaggerated slightly of the conquests he had claimed to have accomplished the night we shared a long conversation on the phone. He only revealed this because i clearly appeared to be having a weakening effect on him, but i knew from his body language out of the corner of my eye that he was still in an empowering mode.
He seemed fairly relaxed. It was perhaps because i was less paronoid than normal. His head leaned minorly to the side as he rested it on the back of the sofa.
''You know when we were together''
I looked at him seriously for a moment and blinked whilst looking him over, then nodded visibly for him to see.
He paused, and for a minute i wondered weather he awknowledged my response. Then he asked, rather more murmorously this time, ''Did you like it?
Again, for a moment, the possibility occured to me. The possibility that he was not at all absorbed by the tv programme we were watching, and that all he could think of right now was me and us, if ever there was.
Was he curious?
''I liked it, but -'' I paused, stalled on the uncertainty of how to continue what i had meant to say.
He eyed me supersticiously, ''What?''
''I didn't think, that - i didn't think that you were - well, into me, much'' I tried to say, not sure if it was sounded as self assured enough as i'd have liked.
He raised an eyebrow slightly, eyes fixed on the tv still.
''Well i thought you were off with me''
''No, i wasn't'' I said insistantly, turning to face him again of which he did also with me. Both os us repeatedly facing each other then retrieving back to the tv, what was really meant to be said?
''I'm just, naturally shy''
I displayed a glint of the eye and he grinned in humorous response before once again turning to the face the tv.
Barely a little beyond this point i unzipped my coat and leaned back on it on the sofa. A couple of moments after that Jack took it from behind me and placed it on the ground, then after a brief moment of diverting his absorbing eyes to the ground, his beautiful lashes visibly displayed to my longing attention, he gave me that hostile content look he always used to bestow me with when in progression of getting a point across. Then came the side grin, but subtly. I weakened essesively inside, although it was numb from the alcohol.

He folded his arms, rubbing something away from his eye.
''It was a bit cramped when my mates were around''
This i agreed with, how on many an occasion i'd noticed the huge difference in his behavior when his friends came into it compared to when we alone. He'd become defensive and hard up, without obligation of hesitating to put me or anyone els down to big up his credit. HIs reputational intimidation scared me, making me want him all the more, but i felt retracted from him somehow, overshadowed and unable to compete to his perfectly intuned social front. Now as we spoke of it it all sounded so simple put, it would have been humorous if it hadn't have broken me.
''How do you mean?''
''Well'' He paused, looking momentarily thoughtful ''Thats why last time turned out the way it did. Cause' they all showed up''
''But, why were you like that with me just cause they were there?'' I asked, still in wonderment of an actual reason.
''Dunno, peer preassure, innit''
He smiled shyly over at me with a vibe of bigged up remorse, of which i joyously returned to him after a mild sarcastic grimace, if just to define that he was forgiven. I loved they way were were in perfect communicational syn with one another. He even asked me at one point if i had been drinking, of which i was careful to reply with an insistant no, no matter how dismissant and easy feeling i had become from it. I reminded myself that i couldn't be to honest with him. I just wouldn't work that way.
We had another long break of speech as we absorbed the programme before us. The carriage carrying us along the road of boundry grating.
''So have you missed me much?''
My former question, he had outfaced it and was now using it to entrap the truth from me. Even if i somehow came up with an amusing reply with hope of disguising the honest answer, it would fail, for the answer was undoubtedly laid in my face for always.
''Yep''
He then grinned fully, but not in a prude cocky manner, and enclosed his arm around me as we sat, every other second looking down at m, drawing cloer to my face, my neck falling my eyes deeper into his beautiful face.
Before either of us knew it we were embracing in a slow and intense clinch of kisses. I felt his desire to have me inside his mouth, his tongue, his need and raw enlocked desperacy to take me all for his own, his true conquest, his lost weakness. Our hands connected and he combined his fingers throughout mine. I felt instantly my passions igniting, heating with want, with an equal desperacy to match his. The rush of weakness conquered my stomach and unabled me to contain the unwanted sense of control. Just to be in his arms again, to have him touch me the way he had done and for me to be able to do the same back to him with no restrictions and cutting out the spacing history between us, was enticing beyond words i was able to define. I'd longed to touch this skin, to feel this breath. I had to have him, even if it was just for one moment. He was going to be all mine, and i alone was all his. Unconditionally, completely, and defiant of all distraction. If only for this moment, it was going to happen.
By the time he had vigolrously endorsed himself upon me on the sofa he began to stand up, without letting go of my hand. He guided me up, grinning shamelessly and hungrily into my eyes, leading me out of the sitting room, on into the bedroom. I welled up with adrenalized fear inside, frightened a little but in no possible way was i hesitant to oblige to his intentions. I wanted him just as much, was eager and yearning, hungry for him just as sharply if not more so.
He took me in his arms once again, holding my body against him with the strength he contained, welling himself unto me forcefully and with complete desire. I embraced him with my clinging arms, falling further backwards untill i collapsed against the bed, his body hot and clenched trighly over against mine. The whole time his tongue was plunged into my mouth, and i felt the sweat of him amongst his intensity and impatience to take me in whole, the fresh scent that i had greatly missed, here, enticed within it graciously as i held onto him with every ounce of love contained within me that was for him alone.
He retracted, kneeling up on the bed to remove his shirt and unbuttom his pant's. I saw his body, his six pack, remembering the feeling of how much i'd craved and impressively admired his build the first time. All i wanted to do was implant my hands against his skin and run my fingers throughout his body of that i had longed and missed for to long.
By this time i had slipped my shoes of onto the floor and was halfway to pulling off my drainpipes, and now i sat up in mere eagerness to remove my shirt, and get straight back into the procession.
He leaned down upon me, smiling with a burning eagerness in his eyes, running his sight up and down my chest and body, implanting his mouth deeply upon mine again, streaming his hands up and around my body untill he had found and unhooked my bra. I shut my eyes, breathing deeply and holding him by his back shaulders forcefully. He tossed the bra onto the floor somehwere and continued the pressive suculant kisses down my neck and chest and onto my breasts, encircling my nipples deeply with his tongue whilst i nocked my head back, my hands rubbing around his neck and through his hair. By the time he was done he looked at me with the same desiring eyes that displayed all his desperacy to be inside me even more, and he leaned over to his cupboard before pulling out what i had guessed was a condom.
''Just one thing'' He mutteringly grinned, correcting my suspicians.
I giggled, bit my lip, tried effortlessly to look playfully menacing and seductive as he put it on. It didn't take long, and as soon as it was done he was all to quick to rerurn back to his former poise enclosed upon me, only now, he looked cherishingly into my face as he drew closer to it. His sweet hot breath panted against my cheeks, and his bottom lip quivvered the way i remembered. I couldn't definely relate to his uncertainly vulnerable expression at this point, only knowing with no doubt that by now he was ravishing me to the utmost intensity, to the point of which he could no longer contain or hold back from at any expense no matter what. And oh, to have him cherish me so badly once again was the memory i pined pathetically in hope of, the fulfillment i lived for.
It was then that we completed our sudden exhibition, our gorging engaement of fire, our enticing and restorful reuinion. All the bitterness between us had been burnt by our lust and exitement, our distraction of the main aspect that glued us together uncontrollablly. Passion. What i used to propell, decide and direction my life with.
For a moment after he was done i held him close to me stilly, as thought feeding of the last part of closure and connection of him in this session. It's lasting was outlived soon after, as he then kissed me and sat back up structorously in his finalising of it. He questioned me over how good it was for me, had i enjoyed it, had i missed it.
I nuzzled my chin upon his shaulder from behind in feel of his bare body once more, and told him, in all honesty, that i had missed it much.
''But your a two minute man now i see''
He laughed, handing me my unerwear.
''You wore me out''
Now it was over i didn't retrieve back into the pit of darkness i usually subdued to once in departure of him. I knew it wouldn't end here, that i had left him craving for me somehow. I was convinced and assured within myself, and likened to the fact that i was now having this effect on him. The confidence had stimulated our interaction, and now he was propelled and ready for me. You could almost say i had him where i wanted him in some unexpected result, but it would not have made any sense, as i want him whenever and wherever he is bar none, and have known notoriously since the day i first saw him.
We cuddled on the sofa. I was entirely happy and relieved to have had him again, shared that closeness with him again, experienced the familiar feeling of being his the way i used to. We watched the tv and we laughed in each others company, commenting randomously on each others private life, his fingers entagled inside mine, all just like it had been before. And i wondered, silently, that translating through the smiles, beyond the joyous chatting and laughing at the randomest things, had the spell been broken? Was i now free? I wondered, most of all beneath all my acting up to secure his comfort, could he hurt me any longer? And already knew without a shadow of hesitation that the answer would eternally be, yes.
Even when i left, it was perfect. I felt oit was on my terms and he wasn't left within any preassure to get me to leave this time. He hadn't been gratified with the chance, not that i believe he was genuinely in any hurry to kick me out this time, despite having graciously recieved his tongihts intention.
''Come around again sometime'' He said with a suggestive allured expression whilst holding the door for me.
I felt myself laughing with gleee within, and raised my eyebrows as i turned around.
''Likely!'' I said, motioning quickly down the stairs. I looked back over at him just at midpoint down the stairway, and quickly darted back up, retrieving my former steps back over to the door where Jack still stood watching me. Gripping him loosely i pressed my mouth hungrily onto his with the force needed to sooth the last little eager yearnings of his physical touch. HIs mouth was warm and wet, and graciously recieving to my eager approach. HIs tongue encircled mine deep inside my mouth and i pulled him close to me briefly before once again retracting away from my one and only love and continuing my original ruite down the stairs of the flat base and out the door.