drafts

Ludo has it to, but handles it crapper due to the lack of knowledge needed by intelligence. Jack was clever in how he dealt with it. He contained it, restored it in confined areas he rarely touched so that it would be even more raw, even more malliciouslly energised once he used it as a resortion to master manipulation over the world of which those who did harm to him came from. Oblvious and unobservant to the concept of striking a threat to innocent victims. He likely thrived on it, above way above that self detesting sorrow for those lambs to the slaughter.

his life had been infected, poisened by people. The people from life. Life from the people. All infectious and bitterly suffered from to this day. This day to which he was condemed for his past, sentenced to revel in inflicted poisen, gorwing and obsculating into every twist and turn of his life , twisting his character, alterating his nature. The distraction of condemment. Only it had been the condement of Amelie, and nothing more

my arms, which longed for the return of Jack. His arms, which discarded the rearrival of Amelie. Shameful obscene fantasies of me being his mother, of him being my father, another life andother planet. Anythign but the planet we were on, the one that demanded and judged us from the worst of us at the same time, amking it impossible to live in simplicit contemptment, but yet if it were so then life would be rational and ordinary and perhaps not alivened and empowered enough by the almighty stimulation only produced by vacarious life altering emotions that essentially included such horrors as fear and hatred. I will never understand untill i have observed it all, yet when will i know when that will be? When enough is enough and it is time to place a judgement based on the earthly instinct of what everything is and why it is an d how it happened to me? The lower half of me wants to stay naive and innocent, oblivious to certain aspects of reality because there is dangerous terratory that once tread on cannot be restepped back into oblivion, to be guarded and protected from the risk of being devoured by the power of knowledge which can at times be the most diffucult terror to master.


so he has been sentenced. Condemed, to a life of the distraction of it


Gone are the days of which you took pride in me, desired me and took pleasure from my presence, now you use it and take it for granted. It is of no value to you anymore













So let me get what i want
fill the spaces
with your body
with your will to see
you'll never look back
you'll know i'm your entity
just as muvh as you are mine



Why darkness encloses each day




Steph looks into me and doesn't know what to think, how to feel. I can see in the reflection that the reason for her emotional infliction is from the person she bestows her sight upon this moment. I can barely face the rest of the room. Theyre all looking, all feasting the volume of their awareness at my prescence, their enthralling hate, burning through my body, all over and throughout and inside all i am. Like they can see, like i am naked, and they ditect every single thought, feeling, emotion, within me.
and i don't want to believe this is real. I don't want to believe a thing, and do i?
Commandment; though shalt not lie to ones self to proect ones heart
There is no heart, so i don't have to feel guilty for not caring.
Only, i do feel guilty. I know i have a heart, otherwise it would not have been possible to feel the way i had done, do, about that one person. It was not nothing i had felt broken, feel, once he was gone.

Your there.

There
you,

go.

So i feel guilty for trying to justify my actions to protect my feelings against the reaction and judgement of those who i affected with my actions, and for being so ignorant as to convince myself it was something i was capable of. But i am capable of comitting the crime, and this i now know. This i now know of myself.

Your are there.

There for
you,

are.


Katrina looked down overcome with what would seem the utmost insecurity and doubt of her own judgement, only to retrieve her head and eyes back to their former positions after a few distant xseconds, only she held them bolder and more challenging this time, her eyes sterdier and enticing, enfuelled with confidence and certainty that bestowed intimidation of some sort upon me in an immense way. It almost sort me of balance a little, and i lost glance upon her within my own self doubt and the intensity of her eyes that felt like they had torched a fire inside my stomach, that made me feel asthough i had learned nothing of my sixteen years of life and had reason to arise question of uncertainty of my own capability. I surely did not understand all i thought i did, as i had thought so untill this very moment, and now i knew that all i judged viewed around me was continuously enhanced by my own subconscious questioning, comparison with similar aspects experienced and knowledge contained of which i had formerly judged of my own accord. But now i witnessed that coldly certain knowledge of which i knew instantly was real, that nothing was what it seemed. That only the emotionons and mentalities i was consciously unaware of were what took a heavy part in my perception of all that surrounded me, all i was uncertain of.
She may have known.
''I wish it was possible for me to give you what you need''
I swallowed, and murmered into the space between us, ''Perhaps you can''
She arised a vulnerable questioning glance, which seemed somehow sure at the same time.
''How?''
Asthough she was in control of her own understandment.
''All you need to do is be here''
''As your tutor''
I sighed lightly, although all was not enlayed from my heart. It remained heavy and unspoken, the way it always had been.
''Yes''
I set my eyes downward for a moment, and scattered their implantment ruitlessly across the lower section of the room. My head remained on a tilt, unhinged.
''Or as your fineral directer''
My lashes flickered instantly. I stared at her.
''What?''
''A discreet way to put it. To be there when you fall. To hold out my arms to you as an alternative to revive your identity you withold in this realm and escape your entrappment into another''
I smiled limply, tempted to exeed the verge of tears of relief.
''Who know's. Perhaps you really do see me clearer than i see myself''
''Perhaps.'' She spoke in reply, softly, before releasing a gentle sigh ''Perhaps it was a myth.''


why do i wear black so much? im no goth, so why
i think ur intelligent enough to know why you wear black
Well, yes, but, there's a time and a place for wearing black right, and all of the time isnt it
for like, a funeral?
(stress)
funerals are the worst thing in the world. I went to one when i was seven, and it was horrorble. Felt nothing of it but depression.
But . .
something as strongly emotional and symbolic as a funeral, just seems, like something of that extent of power, can be,
can be
theres no way of saying it without feeling guilty
romantic, poetically beautiful, the sorrowful sadness an artisticly empowering essence represented within a frame of dire beauty
(stares)
and how you see me closer than i see myself i continue to question
oh you know yourself, believe me Amelie. You just don't see yourself all to clearly, as although you are you and you are within yourself 24/7, you are bestowing your observance upon the rest of the world most of the time. Your just like anyone els, adapted to the progression of the world around you. Sometimes reluctant to foresee your own, sometimes blinded with the obsession of it, when it is most clearest




Self understanding
i sat in a welling comition of my own obscurity and experienced that rare intensity that can unrelish the most unnatainable sections of the emotional state. Unknown to what i had become or how the mood within the atmosphere had connected me into it without it being brought to my realisation, i felt asthough a rush of uncontrollable desire had emmersed and bled through me into real life, once again drawing the innerly state to the outer world. I had no desire to feel this, but somehow i had adjusted myself subconsciously as if i needed to feel it. It was intense and effective, stimulating, and i knew it was an urge. A biological instinct, like an infant needing it's mother and believing the entire world would come to a close if it were not to be held and lved there and then. I utmost intensity of craving a comforting and warming hand, reached across from somewhere i didn't know where to find it but of which my eyes would endlessly pondure for undoubtedly untill the urge came to a close, of which it soon did.
I still believe now that some inconcievable part of my mind had directed me deliberately to feel like this in that moment, just to bare the knoledge of weather i could do it intentionally and to gain the experience of having done it once i realised i could. If i can create myself to live inside that emotion with all the help of a little interaction with the atmosphere, then i am unstoppable at feeling anything. I often observe storylines in films and think the situation and emotions present in them, then thoroughly contemplate them later in bed when no one is around and there are no sounds. I often put myself inside the character if they are appealing to me, and i become what they are feeling, i adapt my mind into the state of theirs and become their thoughts, feelings and entity of all untill i could undoubtedly in that second become them altogether. Then, i am drawn into my own natural senses once agin and all instinction of that character is gone, and then i stop crying or smiling in harmonious joy at once, for i am me again, and i must feed and adapt to my own instincts and feelings, and continue my journey to not control, but understand, what i am.


i hope i never can control myself. I hope i can in time learn to interact and communicate with the truth i bare existant within myself. I hope you can always fend for me and be obliged to remain an attribute to the management and domination of me, for i need you to be master. I hope you never discover with full aknowledgment of our silent interaction of control, and i wish i didn't eternally feel obligated to the fulfillment of your demanding satisfaction.

THE FEELING OF LOSS
have you ever had that feeling when something happens, of which could be anything, that makes you suddenly realise completely everything you have lost, and aughtomatically you compared the way you felt when you had it to the way you feel now it is gone. The loss creates a creater within you that takes out most of all you are, and it is when you physically feel that it is gone that you know instantly you will always need and be in search of regainment of what you have lost, no matter what happens or how long it takes.
This is a distilled reality of how i live, and is every so often brought more clearly and brutally to my awareness whenever i catch sight of him or hear his name mentioned, see his name come up on messenger or see someone who slightly reassembles him. It tears me apart, but it is beautiful because of it. Without that emptiness and pain i wouldn't have any meaning as a whole. Despite the pain of the loss, it has taught me more than i could ever know about people, love, reality, and what it is in comparison to how people want to think and try to believe. It's true what they say when they say that you have no idea untill you yourself have had the experience. Untill you, and you alone, have lived, breathed, and felt the reality of it embrace throughout you. Those words are entirely true, in all their entity.



sexual stimulation through the ages

now when i compare myself to how i appeared in the childhood photgraphs i think how different i am. I always think of how much i have significantly changed throughout the last twelve months in particular, but in comparison to those many many years of which are now far behind me i have evolved much more effectively, only unlike the last year, i simply wasn't aware of it.
Some of those pictures seem quite innocent and meaningless. A few i look at closely because they have captured my attention as i look at what i am doing, where i am at and most importantly, how my eyes percieve themselves which can near to accurately define what is possibly being felt at the time of which it happened. I wonder what i thought about sex when i was little.
i know how i felt, i can now remember. I just thought it was something private and suggestive that adults did and children weren't allowed to know about it, yet.
It was the yet, that required my suspicians of the subject to aspire to immense extent.
I actually found it quite an ammusing thought. I knew what it was, but i didnt know exactly what happened beyond the undercover bare boildy contact part. To indulge furtherly beyond that was to complicated for my busy infant mind to be bothered with. The horrifying thing was, when i did eventually reach a certain age where i was capable of becoming sexually intruiged, without finding the thought repulsive as i did for a while, i wrote down all my desires in explicit roleplay mode on paper, promiscuous fan fiction of a particular tv series i was a fan of and which i'd witnessed a sexually promiscuous scene. I even had dreams about it because i was that fascinated by it. Neither did it help that i had a thing for the male occupant partaking in this scene i was so obsessed with. Never the less, mum found my 'notes' and after an entire day of fun loving pleasantry social activites 'arranged' for us by Sean, mum waited untill he had left the car to gather some petrol at the garage on the way home, turned to me as i sat innocently unnaware of her discovery and bestowed upon me the look that mothers give you when they know your secret.
Well, immediately she questioned where i had absorbed this type of information, clearly suprised that i was aware of so much, given the mass ammount of explicit detail i had implanted in the notes. I was embarassed and ashamed, insisting that they belonged to Steph and i had not even embraced an eye upon them. She reluctantly agreed to return them to me, and i found it difficult to look her in the eyes for a couple of weeks after that. I burnt the notes when i got home in a private bonfire on one of mum and Seans comissions to the pub. I agreed that from then on i would keep my desires locked away inside myself untill i was old enough and ready enough to act them out for myself, an accomplishment of which i was already intruigely yearning to persue, a fantasy plotted in the creativity of my intuitive mind untill it was time for it to be enticed into life by a fire merciless and aflame as the one i had incrusted those desires into in the first place.
I did write more suggestive fiction, but only stored away privately amongt many innocent writings on my computer when i moved to dads. One major advantage, hords of privacy.
But does a child, when it is really young, ever experience at any point even the slightest chemical of sexual stimulation? There were many times of which i believe it may have been possible that i was feeling something lead from or exeeded from that sort of ruite. It could have been something seperate i feel when experiencing sexual ignition but does not have a direct connection to it. Just something that comes with the ride, but is free from the courts of carrying deceptment to innocence. It makes me laugh, because now i don't see it all as dirty or sinful, the way i may have at the time when i wrote the notes, and the reason to why i felt so guilty when it was discovered. Believing it was bad as a child made me all the more curious to discovering the entity, the secret, of what sex was. I now know the beginners secret, but i don't believe i'v known half of what their is to be discovered through the experience in it's all. I know also that i choose not to perfect this act with anyone other than those i feel something for, of who i am attained and attracted to in some way other than physically based. Having known it with only the person i love undoubtedly to completion it is hard to imagine resorting to anything less from now on, but i know anything other than him would be less.







The start

Begins with how thing's are before meeting Jack, brief life description

A short descriptive thought and where she 'is'

One of her forthcoming trips to college from her first week with Steph shortly before she meet's Katrina [this is after their fall out but they have slightly drifted as friends]they become misguided and wander into a field and look into the clouds while eating burries, reflecting on their childhood excapades