The measure of love

i wish i could turn back time and if i could i would make it so i never met you again. Every time weve seen each other, spoken or clashed gazes across the street would be erased, and we would be strangers in all our entirity and potential. But, no. We had to fall back together. Had to be reunited by fate and eventually torn apart by love.I had gained everything and already lost it. The moment i knew i was dead. Inevitably the second i found that my eyes were being opened and blinded for the very first time together. My experience had been virginal, before you took your very embrace and everything with it directly into my eyes. If looks could kill, sweetheart, i'd have died a long time ago.i really was your stranger then. Your beautiful strange girl, raw and exotic, an undiscovered treasure in your eyes that you had anticipatedly yet to accomplish and succeed. All yours. Inevitably. And you knew it.I knew, right from when i turned away and got on with my life. Part of me was already dead. Dead from the agonisingly demanding love you would in time bare for me that would eventually turn to a blazing sorrowful funeral pire with a name that was to be none other than my own written across it. Memories, feelings, embracement, and tears from the good times that were fatally to be distorted to ash. Nothing. I saw it all. From our very first meeting. You saw it to. And yet what did either of us do to stop it?All that either our conciouse little naive hearts were able to. Nothing.

my friends do not understand. When i walk across the room and i think of you my body language changes, but by now i am used to this. I become more enclosed, sacred within myself because you are being bared within thought. Each and every thought of you is imaculate and nurturing. Perhaps in dangerous ways. Perhaps in positive ways that progress me spiritually and endose me with experience that i need to survive in life, but no matter what way it all ends with one reason for it all, and that is that i devoutly care for you so effectively and intensely that i myself do not fully understand how and where it is born from. For it is a life all of it's own, way out my hands, my capability to prevent or destroy before it destroys me. Anyhow, i'd rather it destroyed me. I'd rather it sucked me up and used me down to last molecule of energy than not have known it, breathed it, felt it and nurture it within me, and have it nurture me back, and me mother it like my own child spawn from the devil destined to destruct out of control to fatal oblivion. This is the distrubing extent of produced emotions combined into words which sometimes cannot come close to briinging to life the encagement it has saddened me with. The sort of sadness that buried deeper within you the longer it exists and eventually becomes entombed inside you. A heart that has sunk to the darkest depth having been doomed to stone.
Whenever i lay eyes on you, it is always dfferent to how i imagine you at time when i don't see you. When i see your real life form, your body moving in your everyday fphysical functions, your face sordid and alive, baring harshly those daunting eyes that killed me the moment they touched me. I cannot believe you are real, no matter how derranged it sounds. Sometimes i find it hard to understand how you could just fall into my life so suddenly without a moments notice and take me as a whole, offering all you were in exchange, just to hold me and say i was yours and for me to allow you to the places no one had been. And the incredible thing was that you were more than i knew i wanted, desired, pined for, back in the corners of my mind that kept well hidden for my own protection. You were the measure of my reqirements, but extended far beyond what my lack of self esteem allowed me to believed i was worthy of. Even despite the way people told me you weren't good enough by far. They just didn't see you the way i did. They didn't know what it was to not just love but adore and cherish every part of you inside out unconditionally without choice or will. To want and need to protect you from anything that may ever threaten or hurt you, and for you to protect me in the same way, because it could never be the same if it was another someone.

I suppose when i looked on it aturely i could see that being asked to 'let go' of Jack was like being asked to let go of a security blanket. To finally depart from a treasured symbolic item that had sentimental and physical comfort aswell as being a fellow participent of endless memories that had brought much happiness to me, to have somebody come along and tell me it's not mine anymore, well, that was the most heartbreaking thing. And he was all i had known. The thing's i had done i had only done with him. Had learned and experienced and enhanced through him only, and to think that i could only have all those times again with another someone made me feel empty and confused. Unwilling to live even. I didn't want to say goodbye. I wasn't ready. And despite my unwillingness to believe, it was obvious, to me, and most likely somewhere to him aswell, that i would never be ready. Perhaps he didn't fully understand that, actually, because we were only together five weeks. But he was a smart boy. And i was a smart girl. I could sense that he sensed it.

Our last night together was the best and the worst experience i ever thought i would endure from him. After days of sobbing over empty space on my own, i recieved a text from him. A pathetic basic text, but it arisened my low spirits and turned my off hand tear to a resortment of relief.
All it was was him asking if i was coming over to see him that day, like i had suggested a few days earlier in a text to him as an alternate option from being unable to see him that day he had requested. Subconsciously i noted how he, again, hadn't offered to come and see me as opposed to me going to see him all the time, but i didn't care and knew that all i wanted was to be back in his arms, for no matter what reason he would now wish me to.
So i rang my friends for back up. Steph, naturally, although i knew she would be bitchy. Lauren, who Steph would oppose to being around but i didn't much care. Having someone i felt comfortable with hanging around loosened the chances of me and him approaching each other before a long awkward ugly space of time spent feeling overshadowed and intimidated by the prescence of him and his friends, and his hurtful attitude when he was around his friends. Another thing i needed for backup. The essentiallity to live through him at those stages. Alcohol. My big weakness, but my only reliable dependency (and probably many others) to enable me through mostly anything. The only problem was it lasting, so i stored three cider cans into untransparent ribena bottles and squeezed them into my droudy handbag, which let down the clothes i chose to wear, but was the only thing large enough to contain the booze. The outfit i picked out was totally innapropriate to the weather, but within myself i was frantic and needed to be sure that when he saw me at least part of him was going to want me, crave me and lust for me right there and then the biological way teenage boys do to girls. And i needed to feel really confident, as much as i could possibly feel. I knew that without it, i would be crushed tonight. Deep down something told me that it was goign to happen anyway. Deep down i knew that as soon as he looked into my eyes tonight he was going to murder me with the honesty held inside them which he was not crual enough to induce into the words i dreaded to hear.
I looked at my dinky slip on dress that suited me so delicately. I felt pretty and angelic in it, which was how i wanted to feel when he held me. I wanted to enclose him tighly around me andnever let go, even if it was for the very last time. I wanted to be his only angel. I wanted to hand myself over to him and plead to him that if he did not take shelter of me i would float away into oblivion and burn in the pire of the funeral of the universe but . . .
I looked out at the increasing rain. But the sky was light. For the first time the weather identified my feelings to perfection. Maybe the rain would increase to a storm, and the skies would darken, later.
My mother offered to give me a lift into town, as she was going grocery shopping anyway. Before she arrived at dads i made sure i had devoured a large Bacardi Breezer to help avoid having to face the doubts welling up inside me already. Mum noticed how distracted i was on the journey through, and asked if i was okay, and enquired on who i was meeting with, as she does. I gave her a distracted answer, and wasn't really engaging in the conversation. She didn't bother me anymore about it.
I saw Steph smoking at the train station, where i had trecked over to once mum had dropped me off at a convinient spot. She took one browsing glance at me and dropped her jaw eggasgeratingly, without moving her poise against the wall.
''What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Wearing. Woman. ???'' She bellowed across the road.
I skipped over to her, smiling breathlessly.
''Thank God your here'' I said, ignoring her disaproval reaction, and avoiding looking her in the eye for to long.
''Laurens coming to''
Steph shook her head and i knew she was going to kick up some sort of hissy fit, but i ceased to care. Of her disaproval or her chances of sticking around to endure whatever me and Lauren would get up to regardless of her company. She could do what she liked, for right now i may aswell have been using her. All i wanted tonight was one thing.
''No no no.'' Steph murmered, waving her fag over her bent head, then gasping up at me, ''Why? Why did you bring her out? You know she's a fucking idiot. Youve seen her in full free action so what more is it going to take, Ams?''
She growled, slowly spinning in a pit of irritation.
''Oh come on'' I said assuringly, ''Just a one off. I want you to to get on better, you are cousins, remember''
I said, carefully trying to to annoy her any further. I thought that if i played up distractedly a bit, she would put on less of a performance. I figured that most of the time she overeggerated her reaction to my choices and behavior to make me feel guilty anyway.
Laurens train was nearly half an hour late. I was shivering with no more than a red cardi on over my slip on whilst sat under the shelter with Steph. I went through about five of her cigarettes, which reduced me to some rather unneeded paranoia, and rang Jack whilst i was waiting. He sounded quite reasonable on the phone, although the tone was drained a little by the sound of crashing rain upon the shelter and deck of the station. I was suprised that Steph stuck around for so long, regarding how badly her attitude stank earlier when we had been chatting more and not unpleasantly spellbond by the cold. Perhaps i was right about her.
Jack arrived shortly at the shelter. At first i thought he was alone, but his best mate followed soon after. He looked at me blankly, taking one mere second to aknowledge me. No kiss. No hug. No smile. All the thing's i used to treasure of him. He asked why i was wearng what i was wearing, and appeared rather discardable over Steph's presence, although he didn't mention anything of it.
''We are waiting for Lauren. She won't be long.'' I said, trying to appear bright and understanding to his every displeasment.
He muttered something of a reply and got TJ to move over so as he could sit next to me.
I tried hard to lure us near together with magnetic body language, but all it made him do was slump into a settled poise. He bent his nack round to look up at me. I tried weakly to smile at his observment, but kind of felt i was appearing slightly desperate and dellusional.
''You look different'' He murmered, ''Don't she T.J''
TJ looked over and seemed, to put it, simply bemused. Simply carrying his attitude to the mood of their 'sittage', which was basically the 'act alone with anything' attitude most of us adolescents opt for.
''Dunno' man'' He said, casually glancing about.
I hated it when he randomly put the attention on me for no apparant reason. I felt he knew this.
''You got a fag?'' He asked me.
I shook my head, nodding in Stephs direction, ''She has''
Jack held out his hand expectantly, flapping his fingers at Steph. She sighed, rolling back her eyes whilst her head was the opposite way, then handed him out the open packet that only spared one or two left. He took both and gave one to T.J, even though he hadn't asked for one.
I could see Steph turn her head around again and mutter 'cunt' under her frozen breath. At least, i thought to myself, that's something we sort of agree on. But no, i thought again, guiltiy, i shouldnt have thought that way, i should be appreciating him spending time with me. After all, it feels like he would much rather be else where with who else when he does.
I could see Steph turn her head around again and mutter 'cunt' under her frozen breath. At least, i thought to myself, that's something we sort of agree on. But no, i thought again, guiltiy, i shouldnt have thought that way, i should be appreciating him spending time with me. After all, it feels like he would much rather be else where with who else when he does.
We warped amongst the streets, empty wet pavements, cluttered with unpleasanet increasing rain. I longed for an umbrella to protect my carefully done up hair, a coat to protect my trembling little body with no other heating than useless skinny hoody, and a empowering boundry of protection that would commend and retract my fastly falling soul.