Give Nothing

Can I have this? Can I hold you? Please baby, just a little more. Just a little longer. Then i'll make you mine. How many times have you said this, and how many times has it been to drug me. Drug me, drug them. Those tender women with so little behind them there's you with so much. You’ve been here so many times, and you know exactly what will hurt me. You know just how to butter my liking, keep me hoping then drop my vulnerability like shattered glass once it’s yours. You will think only of yourself and walk away without a second glance to see if I am okay because you won’t want to capture the guilt when you look in my stillbeat, unbelieving eyes. You won’t care, and you won’t want to develop the feelings that are being felt for you. You just don't want to become like us. You don't want to learn to care.I don’t have emptiness behind me. I don’t care if people wish to judge me. Nature was intended to be persued. I could so easily take in your distastful suggestions, in complete knowledge of what it is you really want. I could give you all your desiring right now, and it would be all at my say so. The choice is in my hands, like it always was, and like you well know by now. Once again I get my pick of the boys, for I am a girl, and I have what they want. I could so easily just choose you right now, and make you that special boy that get’s this special special girl. You’d be so happy with your hands around me, i swear you would. All yours. My enriching oils have you overheating in uncomprehendable hope.But you don’t get to touch this body. Oh no. It’s worth far to much for you to lay eyes on. Even I am not capable of it's enhancing delacacy. These arms, hands. These thigh’s, and these breasts, and, this waist, is not for your rentful intentions. Only I can see. Only me, and on my own. Stay away. No body can see this. No body can taste this scent. Except, maybe him. Your right there on the other end of the phone. Your voice hails up to me like i have raised you from heaven, the eagerness of edge in your tone is obvious to me. Typing away on MSN. There's that predictable bit of writing again. The writing that says ''TJ is typing a message'' As soon as youve sent it your sending another. Amidant you are, foolish young boy, what do you know about me. What do your dozen hearts and triple ex's really mean. They are based on a fake perception of a face, a body, that belongs to me not you. This being why you are so amident to win it. Send as many texts as you want. It's only an immature modern hyjack of communication anyway. I'll just keep licking my lips in self obediance as you ache your fingers on that phone. You see, no matter how much he tries. No matter how much i look at him with my arms either side of his neck trying to imagine the girl who moved on, all i want is his mate.And you know aswell. I suppose you surely would have to be a blind idiot not to. You avoid tripping upon this truth, and to escape the narrowing forthcome of getting humiliated, and possibly even hurt, you eventually go away. I don't hear fro you again. My silence and lack of response to any of your contact attempts are a sure sign, and i myself am relieved in a part that you are gone and no longer just a progressing concern of how to, when done with, dispose of. There's another though, oh my, there's another. This one i know quite well amongst the friends of The One. And this works quite delishously as i prefer to invest the clinch of rooting passion into something over which i have a steady knowing of. Just like i had a knowing of him. It all collaborated quite quickly, and before a day or two i'm in his arms, and he is touching the places that i kept so well hidden. That i kept so blissfully restrained from boys. Some may have called me frigid, some a tease. I called myself a rarity. And this, is how i let myself down in every aspect of it. The backlash and hypocricy of what i supposedly represented over myself, thrown away through such a simply effctive mistake i was willing to make. The cracks were now showing bare and bold, and i had created them with my own stubborn actions. This was how i began to fall. Diagonally. Horizontally. Any way but straight.I was sitting at home on the couch, still in my pijama's and watching The Jerry Springer Show when i recieved a text from Steph. 'Wuup2 wana cum fru?' It readI lolled back my head and searched briefly about the room, as if checking for something needing to be done, even thought that wasn't any particular priority. Seeing as their was nothing better for me to do than slouch to the orders of my best friend on my day off, i dragged myself up off the couch and began browsing for some appropriate clothes. But wait, where was she at? Typically forgetting the obvious.She replied to me, stating that she was in town with a bottle of vodka. This time i didn't forget the obvious, which was, this time, to worry, naturally. Especially considering i was familiar with the notion that Steph had a lower tolerance of alcohol than i, which was quite low.I decided to play posh, and ordered a taxi. Perhaps for some reason i felt it necassery to upstage Steph in attribution to whatever state she may or may not have already been in when i stepped out and accompanied her. Devious cunt i could be at times. In town their are two library's. Yes, it's ridiculous i know. Funnily enough, it doesn't seem so to me. In my mind there can never be enough books, and certainly never enough people wanting to indulge in their endless spiral of contents. However, these two library's are quite far apart, obviously. One is in the centre of town, this is the main one that bares a key towards the vague form of any highly mattered subject in the world. The second is right on the egde of town, and is quite small. It's a lot quieter, but has a good selection of teen fiction and magazines so the youth crews prefer to glide towards this side of town when targeting a library to induce in a meeting or doss.Both of them had computers, and it was way past the point of stepping out of the taxi door and realising Steph was not currently in reach mode after three texts and a failed call attempt that i tiredly sat myself down in front of one in the town library and pondered aimlessly over what to do on it. Being a thoughtful person, and tired, and quite oblivious and uncaring towards the prospect of time wasting, i sat in front of a blank screen for twenty dry minutes before switching it on and randomly searchign youtube. Msn crept up after a few minutes also, a stowaway that often rides with emerging boredom when on a computer.I don't care at this moment that other people are closely around me in the room, even though i'm fairly closed in and the computer makes an annoying alerting sound to tell me that someone has messeged me on Messenger. I look at the message, and see that's it's from a boy that i never talk to, but have known for a while. He was in HIS group of friends. Or a freind of one of his friends, or something. Instantly my memory familiarises me with how fit he is, how rugged. How, slightly unusual. I remember vividly of how i once thought i felt something faint for him once, something momentarily wonderous but a moment from long ago. Based on nothing other than my search for a distraction from what i was formerly going through. Just a memory that has long been forgotten by my attentions or particular concerns, but still a memory, however old. I focus contently on the screen, unsure of what to expect from him. It's been a while since he last came on, or at least, whilst i was online. DeeJay Adz says:Hya bbyWhat the hell?? He usually dismisses me in the street nowadays. People like that make me feel subconsciously unworthy, and it angers me as i know i am not. Now he's calling me what he calls his most desired girlfriend?<(F)>Amelie<(F)> says:Errrr hiyaDeeJay Adz says:You cmin fru 2dai?<(F)>Amelie<(F)> says:What do you mean? Dnt say town coz im already derDeeJay Adz says:mmm intrestinA looong pause<(F)>Amelie<(F)> says:why u askin eh adamDeeJay Adz says:im wid ya missus aye luvAnother pause. I slowly wonder where the heck this is going. Such lengths of undefiant randomness we are willing to sudue to, and misery often rejoices in it's climax, only we are blinded with the bullshit invisionary of the orgasm.<(F)>Amelie<(F)> says:Who do you mean? Why r u talkin to me u neva doYeah great that's it. Type without thinking it through. Sound like a sap. Just the ingrediant to put off a possible chav with the likliness of a motive.He pauses for a few minutes. I wonder if he's given up. My straight formal thinking head sticks my nose up at this conversation, regarding it to utter pointlessness and childish immunity. My gut head want's him to keep talking, wants this to get somewhere that may infume the deignited riches of those momental fumes created especially for him all that time ago when we were in closer social contact. As soon as i know this i know that my unappreciated tendancies to fall into what appears to be unthreatening temptation are going to twist fate for me once again. Deep down i know it will all end bad. If it get's the chance to. But now it's to late. Theres no time to reflect over what to decide if it gets to the point where i could end up getting into a situation out of my depth. Which is what i know it will lead to if it does. But if he offers i'm not going to turn him down. Not now. Especially as i knew what he was about to say. A gutly instinct. The gut knows everything.DeeJay Adz says:cum see me bby<(F)>Amelie<(F)> says:why shud iDeeJay Adz says:coz i wnt u, an i kno u wnt me<(F)>Amelie<(F)> says:but yr wid carrieDeeJay Adz says:nuh uh, no mor. cum see me im at da shepard arts....................................... ....................................... ..........How could i let myself down this way, the innerly tiny unheard voice calling up to me says, which i refuse to hear and dismiss quite happily. The immaturity within me causes me to find it amusing, which it surely is not. I should not laugh at the inner voices. i should not.<(F)>Amelie<(F)> says:Ok, who are you with again?DeeJay Adz says: STETHI produce some uncontrollable laughter. Caused from un-sense making releif, and, an perculiar choice of spelling of my best friends name that i simply had to reserve for my list.I went to the toilet, regardlessly uncaring to the awareness of leaving him lerched on mid convo mode to talk to a blank screen, and what with being so perked up, laughed a little at the notion of it.I retrned to find tat to my delight he'd left a dozen further alerts, mostly verging the borders of 'wanna meet me an her then?', 'oi mia', '............', 'come on i wnt ya lol'i giggled furtherly, trying to calm the sparks of edginess that were designed to disinvision my judgement. It was certainly clarified now that the border was crossed. He made it clear that hehad chosen me as his target, or what i assumed to be him on the other end of this conversation. It's what he, is wanting. Me. Oh Christ, it had occured to me that just because his name comes up on the screen doesn't mean he is the one typing it all up. What if it's Steph? Or an act of sheer boredom. Thing's can be misinterpreted so quickly. Especially when imagination is in tow. And hope. Disfigured shameful hope that creates false invisions that almost never compete with reality. And then i have this crate of self doubt, and i know it's not simply just my insecurities enfueling. Running away with hopeful possibilities can prevent you from considering these unnatractive true natures. And regretfully for me to say it and others to bring it to life, they mostly are true.I know this is what i most want right now, what i target my intention to, set my sights. The way i did for him once before, the way i imagined him. I want him for myself, and the risk feels worth it. I dismiss the doubts, baring full awareness to the risk i am prepared to take if not for the experience of challenging it. I make a decision now that if this isnt how i expect it to be, i will get over it.<(F)>Amelie<(F)> says:i need to know, is steph drunk?2K7<<>>2K7:nah she lost that vodka<(F)>Amelie<(F)> says:lost down her neck perhaps2K7<<>>2K7:no, she's in the corner and she says she wants you to come see me lolI grin. I tap the keyboard smuttily like some bored camp idiot.<(F)>Amelie<(F)> says:kk. wait at the bar and i'll see you both in fifteen minutes xxx2K7<<>>2K7:k baby luv u/lolSo he loves me now does he? Good lord, what could this lead to? A social joke perhaps, would be the opinion of a straight minded prefessional person who never let temptation blind their judgement.I just don't care. I remind myself that i'm past aring about anything now.<(F)>Amelie<(F)> says:PMSL2K7<<>>2K7:xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (F)(F)(F)I sigh, just before i sign off a messege alert comes up telling me i'v received a new email from 'Bebo Service'. My heart skips irrationally when i see that Adam has left me a photo comment. I aughtomatically think of how sad it is of me to get even minorly exited over something that countless boys do to countless girls pictures, including mine. When this sort of temporary disapointment in yourself occurs it always goes straight aay, as the central reason for being happy returns. It's like you know you ought to slap yourself, but can't be bothered to do it.I guess he likes this photo. Many people do, but funnily enough it's one of my lesser favorites. It's very distinct, through a mirror, and my hair is the main focus. It looks a lot longer, and is from a time when i owned expensive conditioner bought for me by dad and had a tendency of using masses of at a time. I want mum to draw this picture of me, but havn't asked her yet.'Stunnin'Most teenage couplings break the ice on Live Messenger. It's basically a cowardly way of coming onto someone, and all it says is they hav't the courage or determination to confront their feelings in the flesh. To express to that person how they truly fel, about them, and what it is they require from them, weather that regard within sins of the flesh, or sins of the heart. Gold. My terms for the laws of attraction. Even to small children it is no mistery as to what it signifies. Goodies. Play. 'Some'. That's physical. Devotion. Rarity. LOVE. That's unconditional. Raw emotion. The stuff that contains acid. Sex is not the real danger in the long run. Love is. It can kill you long before HIV can.Naturally, as i always do with every circumstance i find mysel in, i reminise back to the roots of which this one was concieved. Probably not much, but something has done. A reason caused it, because this is not one of those thing's that was sporn from nothing. Then again, who am i to try and predict the feelings of anyone, let alone a boy i hardly know, or even myself. Something beyond my knowledge has planted them there.I'm late to the Sheppard Arts, which painfully puts a dampener on my lift. Having wasted ten minutes getting stuck into a book on Architecture no matter how cuntent my current occupations were, then nervously darting through switching traffic, i slipped up the stairs to the Sheppard Arts centre and physically bathed in the texturous improved new temperature inside.When smaller, i joined an Art group here. I joined a poetry group here. I did several workshops because my mum wanted me to go here. I didn't want to let her down. I felt she had been let down enough.There. Right in the centre of a poetry display on the wall, my poem written three years ago stands still remained like a mummified Ejyption in a row of tombs. Secretive, treasured, and possibly a little cursed.I wonder what i was thinking at the time i wrote it. Not just in general, and not even off the top of my head, but deep down to the roots of reason. What could have stemmed each word that alerted into my mind. What made them get there and form into the texture they did. Each time i read it, whcih was a lot being viley proud of my own work, i experience an unmissable trip of the heart. The trip formed in a milo metre of a second and sends you back to somewere you left behind a long time ago. You familiarise with it well, and instantly it unravels everything. A particular ruite to a past, but more importantly part of you. The space captured between that and where you are at now becomes clear and aknowledged, and you are shocked at how far you have progressed within knowing it. Emotionally moved. Like moving house, and something in your new 'home' reminds you of your old place. How you felt there. How settled you were. The grief from it having gone.I don't particularly want to read it, for it brings a sharp sadness that is extremely overshadowed but ignites it's flame within the mist of security.Just thought's.And there he i. I was assuming i may see Steph first, but she was no where in sight. I imagined her slammed against the wall in the back with the stench of alcohol unsavouring the air.